Posts
There has been a lot of talk recently about Charlie Sheen’s crazy public meltdown, but what most of you don’t know is that the quotes and testimonies you have been allowed to see and hear only scratch the surface of this bizarre spectacle. I have used my unparalleled journalistic skills to dig deeper than the dorks at TMZ to bring you ………..
SIX CRAZY THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT CHARLIE SHEEN:
1) Charlie routinely mixes up and ingests a concoction comprised of the following three ingredients:
1: Petrified T-Rex semen.
2: Minotaur urine
3: John Cryers tears.
He places these three ingredients in a bowl made from the hollowed out skull of Chuck Lorre’s grandmother and proceeds to stir them with a phoenix feather until frothy. Long term use of this potion has given Charlie the ability to live forever, grow new brains at will, and see into the 4th dimension.
2) Before Charlie’s doctor put him on the drug Charlie Sheen, he was first prescribed prescription strength Hunter S. Thompson. However the HST was simply too much for even Charlie’s constitution and he was taken off it after a short while. Apparently HST’s side effects which include extreme feelings of gonzo and frequent trips to bat country were more than Sheen could handle.
3) Sheen has been found out to be a vampire of sorts. He finally admitted that the tiger blood running through his veins was there because he stalks the zoos at night draining the life force of what he sees as the mightiest predators, in hopes of transferring their essences into himself. He also feeds on crocodile blood, and wolf blood. He was at one point quoted as saying that he drinks fish blood, however this was later found out to be a joke about his ex Denise Richards having a fish like face especially in the lip region and how he would frequently engage in cunnilingus with her during menstruation.
4) Charlie Sheen is in fact an elder god which accounts for his indestructibility, and his sexual prowess. Sheen was quoted as saying “I have Raiden DNA! I could kick Shao Khans ass, and all you bastards should feel lucky to have me protecting earth realm!”
5) Aside from being the newly appointed Vatican Assassin, Charlie has also been appointed White House Chief of Winning, NASA’s new head of their Mars exploration division, and Larry Flynt Publications, new head of research and development.
6) Charlie Sheen was actually awarded The Harvard Lampoons: Craziest Bastard of the Year Award, last week. Former winner Gary Busey presented the award to Charlie after remarking to the audience: “This summinabitch is nuts! Baloney! Prestidigitation! Bernie Madoff! I peed a little!”
Hope you enjoyed this candid look into the private life of Charlie Sheen, let me know if any of you have any sheenicdotes I may have overlooked.
Excelsior!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Boobies!Boobies!Boobies!....Not realy, but it was the surest way to get people to read this.
The Good, The Bad, and The Bloggy
Well hello again, to all my internet cohorts. It’s time for another round of “Read…that…blog!…”. All you have to do to play is….read this blog. Prizes range from a sense of self loathing at stooping so low as to read such tripe, and feelings of wild uncontrollable euphoria brought on by enjoying my senseless ramblings ….and a heaping portion of prescription painkillers. I find percocets or vicodins work best when reading my blog, but feel free to experiment. Go for the gusto and try a morphine drip, guaranteed to make the words leap right off the page in ways my hackneyed writing never could. Note: opiates of any kind must be supplied by the reader, this blog does not condone use of prescription or non-prescription drugs of any kind in anyway except to escape your troubles or to relieve boredom.
I and my significant other have been laid up with various degrees of illness for the better part of a week now. This has given me time to catch up on a couple of movies I had been meaning to see, ponder the mysteries of the universe, and play some video games of yore. I will tackle these subjects in order as I know that you gentle reader are just soooo interested in my thoughts and opinions on all things movies, universe, and video game.
So the first thing I would like to express is that I finally got around to watching insurrection….oh wait I mean Inception. The former was a really shitty Star Trek movie (I know oxymoron! Zing! Trekkies, Zing!) and the latter was that really trippy dream movie with Leonardo DiCaprio, Ras-al-Ghul , Kitty Pryde, and that kid from 10 things I hate about third Rock from the Sun. What can I say about this movie that hasn’t already been said by countless blogs, critics and rabid internet movie analysts? Not much. I will throw my two cents in anyway because I feel like it. In my opinion the ending of this movie doesn’t leave me pondering if he is asleep or awake, but how much of what we saw actually happened. For those of you who have seen the Usual Suspects, I will refer to this as the Kyser Soze Gambit. The KSG is as follows: Once you know that Kevin Spacey was in fact Kyser Soze, and that the whole movie is from his point of view, than everything you have seen is now in question. Other than the actual facts of what dead bodies are found on the boat, everything else could be made up for all we know. I feel the same way about Inception. . If you go with the theory that Leo is dreaming at the end, as I do, than the whole movie could be a dream. Who cares if the top is spinning because he dreamt the whole thing about totems, he could even have made up in his subconscious the whole thing about dream extraction. He could be an insurance broker for all we know who dreamt all this crazy shit. It really boggles the mind.
On a much more linear track is True Grit a movie about how Jeff Bridges can’t use contractions and Matty Damon would like to rape 14 year olds. This movie was awesomely bizarre and I have to say Jeff Bridges delivery in the movie (I mean did they literally NOT have contractions in the old west?) Is just flipping awesome! The Academy Awards need a new category for “Best two lines uttered in a single movie” just so that Jeff Bridges can get an Oscar for uttering “I do not know this man…” and “You are not LeBeef.”
On to the mysteries of the universe. I kind of just threw that in there, and didn’t really spend an awful lot of time pondering much of anything except “Why do I feel so shitty?” and “Why does being sick have to suck so badly?”
So when not watching movies and complaining about my cold, I spent a good chunk of the last few days playing Super Mario World on my Girlfriends DS. I forgot what a little bitch Yoshi is. You barely touch something and he throws you off and runs away like a downy with a lit match between his webbed toes. And god for bid he gets stuck between a couple of pipes, the little retardasaurus rex will run back and forth till the end of days. Also Mario’s own little cringe-or will not go in ghost houses or castles. Why the fuck not? Last time I checked dinosaurs that can eat turtles and evil mushroom guys whole should not be afraid of shy ghosts.
Well, I’m sorry about the down time between posts. I’m sure you were all just dying for fresh readins’. I will not be so lackadaisical from now on.
Sincerely yours,
Zack
Well hello again, to all my internet cohorts. It’s time for another round of “Read…that…blog!…”. All you have to do to play is….read this blog. Prizes range from a sense of self loathing at stooping so low as to read such tripe, and feelings of wild uncontrollable euphoria brought on by enjoying my senseless ramblings ….and a heaping portion of prescription painkillers. I find percocets or vicodins work best when reading my blog, but feel free to experiment. Go for the gusto and try a morphine drip, guaranteed to make the words leap right off the page in ways my hackneyed writing never could. Note: opiates of any kind must be supplied by the reader, this blog does not condone use of prescription or non-prescription drugs of any kind in anyway except to escape your troubles or to relieve boredom.
I and my significant other have been laid up with various degrees of illness for the better part of a week now. This has given me time to catch up on a couple of movies I had been meaning to see, ponder the mysteries of the universe, and play some video games of yore. I will tackle these subjects in order as I know that you gentle reader are just soooo interested in my thoughts and opinions on all things movies, universe, and video game.
So the first thing I would like to express is that I finally got around to watching insurrection….oh wait I mean Inception. The former was a really shitty Star Trek movie (I know oxymoron! Zing! Trekkies, Zing!) and the latter was that really trippy dream movie with Leonardo DiCaprio, Ras-al-Ghul , Kitty Pryde, and that kid from 10 things I hate about third Rock from the Sun. What can I say about this movie that hasn’t already been said by countless blogs, critics and rabid internet movie analysts? Not much. I will throw my two cents in anyway because I feel like it. In my opinion the ending of this movie doesn’t leave me pondering if he is asleep or awake, but how much of what we saw actually happened. For those of you who have seen the Usual Suspects, I will refer to this as the Kyser Soze Gambit. The KSG is as follows: Once you know that Kevin Spacey was in fact Kyser Soze, and that the whole movie is from his point of view, than everything you have seen is now in question. Other than the actual facts of what dead bodies are found on the boat, everything else could be made up for all we know. I feel the same way about Inception. . If you go with the theory that Leo is dreaming at the end, as I do, than the whole movie could be a dream. Who cares if the top is spinning because he dreamt the whole thing about totems, he could even have made up in his subconscious the whole thing about dream extraction. He could be an insurance broker for all we know who dreamt all this crazy shit. It really boggles the mind.
On a much more linear track is True Grit a movie about how Jeff Bridges can’t use contractions and Matty Damon would like to rape 14 year olds. This movie was awesomely bizarre and I have to say Jeff Bridges delivery in the movie (I mean did they literally NOT have contractions in the old west?) Is just flipping awesome! The Academy Awards need a new category for “Best two lines uttered in a single movie” just so that Jeff Bridges can get an Oscar for uttering “I do not know this man…” and “You are not LeBeef.”
On to the mysteries of the universe. I kind of just threw that in there, and didn’t really spend an awful lot of time pondering much of anything except “Why do I feel so shitty?” and “Why does being sick have to suck so badly?”
So when not watching movies and complaining about my cold, I spent a good chunk of the last few days playing Super Mario World on my Girlfriends DS. I forgot what a little bitch Yoshi is. You barely touch something and he throws you off and runs away like a downy with a lit match between his webbed toes. And god for bid he gets stuck between a couple of pipes, the little retardasaurus rex will run back and forth till the end of days. Also Mario’s own little cringe-or will not go in ghost houses or castles. Why the fuck not? Last time I checked dinosaurs that can eat turtles and evil mushroom guys whole should not be afraid of shy ghosts.
Well, I’m sorry about the down time between posts. I’m sure you were all just dying for fresh readins’. I will not be so lackadaisical from now on.
Sincerely yours,
Zack
Friday, February 11, 2011
Random Blog post...on purpose.
I was at the mall the other day just loitering and taking advantage of their free wi-fi when some teenager complements my hat. Now I'm not going to lie, you don't wear a Kermit the Frog cap if you don't want to get noticed. My sole goal of purchasing the thing was to attract attention from all manners of passerby...okay that and my girlfriend told me too. However then this little adolescent spazoid asks "Are you Irish?" "A little bit." I answered. "I thought so, because of the red hair." Okay, this is also something I get occasionally. Not so much the last few years, as the only red hair I have now is my beard and I have only recently started rocking the goatee again, but before that enough that I am not realy phased by it. "Sorry about that, I'm random sometimes." Okay that I can't except. I am sick and tired of the word random being misused. There is no other word uttered more frequently these days and at the same time used incorrectly.
What was random about his statement? He saw my red beard, and in his mind equated red hair with Irish (which coincidentally is actually more of a Scottish trait, but whatever). Assuming as I do that given the vaguely tardish look on his face he had no doubt huffed countless whip-its in the parking lot before venturing into the mall, he probably didn't trust his logic all that well and made sure by asking me my ancestry. So he mentally went from point a to point b in a deliberate way. Last time I checked, that was pretty much the opposite of random.
Not since Alanis Morisette educated a whole generation on how to misuse ironic, have we had such a clusterfuck of instances where a word is just butchered. It's a goddamn epidemic. "That's a random shirt your wearing." No moron, I put it on deliberately. "This song is so random" Well that could happen if the musicians hit notes accidentally without a plan, and the lead singer had no idea what words were going to come out of his mouth. I don't know maybe I just over analyze things, but it hurts me to see people, especially the young-uns, talk so silly.
I for one, would never use a word to mean anything other than it's intended meaning. Because that would be wicked retardedly gay.
What was random about his statement? He saw my red beard, and in his mind equated red hair with Irish (which coincidentally is actually more of a Scottish trait, but whatever). Assuming as I do that given the vaguely tardish look on his face he had no doubt huffed countless whip-its in the parking lot before venturing into the mall, he probably didn't trust his logic all that well and made sure by asking me my ancestry. So he mentally went from point a to point b in a deliberate way. Last time I checked, that was pretty much the opposite of random.
Not since Alanis Morisette educated a whole generation on how to misuse ironic, have we had such a clusterfuck of instances where a word is just butchered. It's a goddamn epidemic. "That's a random shirt your wearing." No moron, I put it on deliberately. "This song is so random" Well that could happen if the musicians hit notes accidentally without a plan, and the lead singer had no idea what words were going to come out of his mouth. I don't know maybe I just over analyze things, but it hurts me to see people, especially the young-uns, talk so silly.
I for one, would never use a word to mean anything other than it's intended meaning. Because that would be wicked retardedly gay.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
"And fame? Nah. It's an empty purse. Count it, go broke. Eat it, go hungry. Seek it, go mad!"
I've been inspired by a few of my friends on facebook to write a blog. It really seems like the "in thing" to do right now, and I figured ripping them off...I mean paying "homage" to them would be a totally tasteful and respectful act. Imitation is the sincerest form of flatulence, right? So in deciding what the theme of my blog would be, I decided to not follow a specific theme and just kind of write about what I am thinking or feeling at the moment. Also if you thought this particular entry would be about "fame", sorry to disappoint, it's just that I watched Krull twice in the last week and really liked that quote. So much so that I may post it as a facebook status, as posting quotes from movies/songs/TV shows seems to be the default status update when in fact nothing of merit is actually going on in your real life, but you just feel compelled to put something up on the ole wall.
Continuing with that theme, what has happened to us as a society? Isn't it funny how we seem to do less actual "doing", and yet we spend more time writing about it? Whether it's texts, status updates, or scrawling pictographs with the blood of the innocent on our bedroom walls, we feel the need to make our voices heard constantly...even when there is nothing to say. Sample facebook news feed: John Smith: Driving to work....ughhh traffic sucks. Jareth Sadpants: As the razor kisses my arm/I finally feel/Sweet release/Oh won't you kiss the reaper/His icy fingers promise eternal sleep. Captain obvious: Snow again? Winter in New England sucks. I hate shoveling.....I am in no way judging, I do the same thing. But what compels us? If I don't update my status at least once a day I feel weird. If I can't think of anything funny to say I use a song or movie quote, so I too am guilty of useless posting. It's like heroin, but with none of the satisfaction of scratching the fuck out of my self and falling asleep at inopportune times.
My girlfriend has the right idea. I asked her once why she didn't update her facebook status very often. Her amazingly insightful answer? "I don't always have something to say." I agree with this. I for one am going to make a conscience effort to only update my facebook, or shoot someone a text, when I actualy have something worth stating.
So that's my first rant. I am not sure how often I am going update the blog. Hopefully at least a couple times a week. Until next time this is Zack, last survivor of the Nostromo signing off.
Continuing with that theme, what has happened to us as a society? Isn't it funny how we seem to do less actual "doing", and yet we spend more time writing about it? Whether it's texts, status updates, or scrawling pictographs with the blood of the innocent on our bedroom walls, we feel the need to make our voices heard constantly...even when there is nothing to say. Sample facebook news feed: John Smith: Driving to work....ughhh traffic sucks. Jareth Sadpants: As the razor kisses my arm/I finally feel/Sweet release/Oh won't you kiss the reaper/His icy fingers promise eternal sleep. Captain obvious: Snow again? Winter in New England sucks. I hate shoveling.....I am in no way judging, I do the same thing. But what compels us? If I don't update my status at least once a day I feel weird. If I can't think of anything funny to say I use a song or movie quote, so I too am guilty of useless posting. It's like heroin, but with none of the satisfaction of scratching the fuck out of my self and falling asleep at inopportune times.
My girlfriend has the right idea. I asked her once why she didn't update her facebook status very often. Her amazingly insightful answer? "I don't always have something to say." I agree with this. I for one am going to make a conscience effort to only update my facebook, or shoot someone a text, when I actualy have something worth stating.
So that's my first rant. I am not sure how often I am going update the blog. Hopefully at least a couple times a week. Until next time this is Zack, last survivor of the Nostromo signing off.
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